In the early 1960s, scientists at the University of California, Berkeley set out to establish the key factors affecting our health and how long we live. Their results, known as the Alameda 7, are the rules we all know (and often ignore): don’t smoke, drink in moderation, sleep seven to eight hours a night, exercise, eat regular meals, maintain a moderate weight and eat breakfast. Years later, however, the same team discovered that they had missed out an eighth factor, one that proved more important than all the others ― social connection.
“According to an enormous body of research, social connection is as essential for our long-term health as a balanced diet and regular physical activity, while loneliness can be a slow-acting poison that severely reduces our lifespan,” writes the science writer David Robson in his book The Laws of Connection. In this rigorous and clearly written blend of research and practical tips, Robson makes the case that social contact is not just a nice-to-have in life, it is essential for our survival.
The science tells us, when we form meaningful bonds with others, our wounds heal faster, we shake off infections more quickly and our blood pressure drops. We are less likely to have Alzheimer’s, heart attacks or strokes. When people feel that they have strong social support, they perform better on tests of mental focus, memory and problem solving. We even feel less pain if we are looking at a picture of a loved one. As for the idea of the lone artist in their ivory tower, it’s rubbish. The most creative minds in history were also great socialisers with huge networks.
Sir Isaac Newton, for example. He was one of the most popular guys in town and pen pals with all the great thinkers of his time, including the philosopher John Locke and the astronomer Edmund Halley. More connection can fuel creativity, increase our financial stability and enhance our work productivity. (See more about Sir Isacc here in our review of Judge Alan Goodwin’s new book)
But how to do it? Robson has combed through academic papers to collate 13 principles that will help us to connect with others. Each chapter describes a principle — for example asking for help or being consistent — and explains the evidence to support it, concluding with practical action points.
Some of the advice I was smugly familiar with. Asking other people questions, for example, is a great way to connect, as is offering appreciation and gratitude. Self-disclosure — sharing something deep and intimate instead of small talk — is something I am possibly too good at.
Other tips were more surprising. Far from greasing the wheels of civility, white lies are pretty much always bad because people want more honesty than we realise. One study asked a group of people to talk to others with complete honesty for three days, another group to talk with kindness, another normally. The group who enjoyed the conversations most was the honest gang.
I was taught that nobody likes a bragger. That is not true. I often downplay good news or wins for fear that it will seem obnoxious to boast, but quite the contrary. Research has shown that people feel patronised and excluded if we don’t share good news with them. On the flip side, learning to be happy for other people’s success — something called confelicity — is a great way to deepen friendships. The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche coined the word Mitfreude in 1878 to explain the opposite of schadenfreude. It means to experience joy in the success of others. Who knew?
The book offers reassurance to those who do not consider themselves to be a “people person”. Robson argues that most of us are much better at socialising than we think we are and we can learn social skills through practice, the way we learn to play the piano. What puts us off is something he terms the “liking gap”, the fear most of us have that the other person doesn’t like us as much as we like them. Studies tend to show that they do. So if you meet someone and walk away thinking you made an idiot of yourself, the chances are you didn’t. Research shows that people connect with those who are sincere and open, not slick and articulate.
Studies have also shown that while introverts and socially awkward people may avoid socialising, they almost always feel better after doing it. Which is not to say that we all need to be out winning friends and influencing people every minute of the day, but it is good to remember that we do all need some socialising and probably more than we think.
Robson also gives advice on how to maintain long-term relationships, how to forgive, remain civil in disagreements and apologise — chapters that are full of wisdom and practical suggestions. I was particularly moved by evidence that keeping secrets physically and mentally weakens us, as if we were carrying a heavy load.
This book comes out at a time when loneliness and disconnection are rife. One explanation is that changes in the structure of modern society have made it harder to meet people. We are less likely to live near our relatives and digital technology has reduced face-to-face meetings.
However, as Robson points out, loneliness has always been part of human existence. Learning something new with a friend or going dancing, or even walking in unison, are good ways to combat it.
Being social doesn't have to mean having dozens of friends, it can also mean having one true, deep connection with another person. As Robson shows, we can all benefit from the laws of connection. It feels important that science is confirming a human truth that in modern life we seem to forget: we need each other.