Inspired by that frank Peter Hobbs talk at the ‘Tri’, each month we will dive into simple and practical ways to help you in your lifetime of judicial service.
I had a hard phone call with a judge friend who was feeling disappointed recently. He was reviewing his life and shared with me how “things haven’t turned out like I thought they would.”
In my experience, this sort of comment usually means a person believes his or her life should be better than it is, not just different. In this case, the judge had seen that another he knows well had already enjoyed much success in her life and then became a senior court judge. It begged the question: What do you do when things don’t turn out as you thought they would?
Maybe your judicial service isn’t what you thought it would be. Maybe you’ve not met your financial goals. Or maybe someone close to you has been profoundly changed by a radical diagnosis like Parkinsons. Maybe you never expected or wanted to move away from where you used to live, much less be where you are now. Whatever the “what if” is that vexes you, for the sake of your soul, it is critical that you address this kind of circumstantial disappointment as soon as possible. Here are six things to do when you’re feeling disappointed.
Give yourself an opportunity to grieve
Grief is not just for death. There are times when we grieve the loss of friendships, love, health, dreams, expectations… Many things can be grieved. Giving yourself, and loved ones, permission to grieve is often an important step to healthy progress and growth.
Don’t keep blaming others
Assigning blame to others, especially a spouse, can be bitter to you or your relationship. It’s one thing to identify that someone is responsible for something that has altered your goals or plans, but it’s another to let that consume your heart and your relationship. That does not end well. The real “blame” can often be a complex web of circumstances and decisions.
Don’t keep blaming yourself
Maybe you look back and realise that something you did or didn’t do is at the crux of your disappointment. It can be hard to forgive yourself. Again, identifying that possibility is different than obsessing over it. You may need to forgive yourself as much as anyone else.
Accept what you cannot change.
A widely known prayer attributed to American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr says, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” It’s hard to change what we can when we haven’t figured out or accepted what can’t be changed. Letting go of what’s over and done is critical to embracing what can be possible in the future.
Accept the lack of control of most things in our lives
Much of our disappointments stem from a false sense of control. When we can understand and accept that there is far less under our control than we probably wish, it becomes easier to own what little we can control.
Talk and get help
Share your disappointments with your closest mates. Be open to counseling. Sometimes we need extra help. It’s hard to resolve complex emotions and circumstances that overwhelm us. Consider getting some external, objective help to sort through these issues. And don’t ignore the possibility
Kia kaha!