Alarmingly soon, I will be 28. After a decade of adulthood I have decided to set down the advice I would now give to my 18-year-old self. She would not have listened, of course. She rarely listened to anyone. What’s more, I would seem so unfathomably old to her that my advice might as well come in Assyrian. But then, a columnist in a different paper recently wrote down the counsel he would offer at the age of 40 and I thought much the same, so I can hardly complain. Feel free to take my advice just as seriously as I did his.
When you can afford it, it is always better to buy someone lunch than be bought lunch. When you can’t afford it, good friends offer to pay. The only coffee order worth its salt is black, no sugar. Everything else is window dressing. On which note, never offer to fetch your boss coffee. They will think of you as the person who gets the coffee. Do fetch coffee for people junior to you. They will think of you as the person who gets the coffee. Spend what money you have on shoes and coats. All other clothes should be cheap. When you are thrilled to meet a man who is happy to talk about feelings, make extremely sure those feelings aren’t exclusively his own. Order a bottle of wine at the start of the evening if you are expecting to drink four glasses between you.
Looking a bit odd is the worst thing in the world as a teenager, but a blessing in later life. Company matters far more at a dinner party than food. Nobody has ever been sad to be served pasta carbonara, but untold evenings are ruined by some interminable bore banging on about his boarding school. Most monogamous relationships don’t work, but then most non-monogamous relationships don’t either. The non-monogamous ones often hurt more because you thought you were being clever. Dear God, stop trying to be so clever.
Take advice almost exclusively from women in their fifties. If you can’t make someone’s birthday, phone the venue and order a bottle of the best fizz you can afford for when they arrive. If you are 21 and a man in his forties invites you for a drink to talk about your promising career, he doesn’t want to talk about your promising career. Try not to let this hit your professional confidence. It will anyway. Look out of the bus window when you are crossing a river at night.
There is limited point in trying to photograph a sunset on an iPhone. Nobody ever marries thinking their marriage will involve an affair, but unfathomably large numbers of marriages do. Nonetheless, no one will thank you for mentioning this at a wedding. Becoming your mum is the best thing that could happen to you. Whether or not you become a mother is the most serious decision you will ever take. Take all other decisions lightly. Everything else is reversible. Do not get a nose piercing.
You are the sum total of the ten people you spent the most time with. Roast potatoes always take longer than you think. The end of a relationship does not make it a failure. All of them will fail until one doesn’t. You will know that has happened only when one or both of you dies. Keep falling in love anyway, not that you have much choice in the matter. Don’t get a bob.
Viewing life with a detached irony will not make you happy. Find something to believe in. You can judge a restaurant by the quality of its bread and its bathrooms. Steal restaurant advice from your friends and pass it off as your own. Splash out for flights from London City and you’ll save on the Gatwick Express. Nobody has ever looked bad wearing black.
Do not confuse professional envy with romantic attraction. Young women are taught that the easiest way into the room is to pair up with a man who is already there. Work out what he has that you want, and then get it. Get into the room on your own merit. Wash up glasses before the dishes.
If you are over the age of 24, smoking does not look sexy. Ditto talking about your Grand Political Theories. Life is not about looking sexy, so feel free to do both. In both cases, “only when drunk and among friends” is a good rule of thumb. Never marry in a panic or for convenience. Second marriages are often happier because they are inconvenient, and nobody is panicking. Laughing with friends over dinner is not life’s sideshow. It is the whole point.
The loudest person at the party is usually covering up some deep-seated insecurity. Likewise the people who make you feel small. There are no prizes for speaking to them. There are, I am sorry to say, prizes for being very pretty or very thin, or both. Society gives all sorts of rewards to women who are. Consequently there is no shame in wanting to be either. Try not to. Try to be happy instead. Better, try to make other people happy. Take off your mascara at night. Mayonnaise goes with everything.
Sunday January 29 2023, 12.01am GMT, The Sunday Times